NOTE: Mr. Combs will be interchangeably referred to by any of his 7 names throughout this article; Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Swag and/or Brother Love.
That’s right folks- you read that headline correctly. Now, typically this is a Patriots-centric blog but being that I am a North Carolina resident, it is my civic duty to chime in on the sale of the Carolina Panthers. Also, I want it to be on record that I was the first person to predict Puffy’s inevitable White House bid.
Let me set the record straight, despite recent rumors Mr. Puff Daddy has absolutely no intention of buying the Carolina Panthers. Not that I would allow it anyways. I have lived in the great state of North Carolina for exactly 11 months y’all, and I’ll be damned if some fast-talking, money flashing, city slicker is going to come in my state and start messing around with my franchise. All that is irrelevant because Puffy isn’t the slightest bit interested in buying the team. What y’all witnessed in the last week was just Diddy drumming up as much publicity as he can to get his name in the news for his eventual 2020 POTUS bid. I mean, let’s look at the facts:
1. His initial tweet announcing his interest read “I would like to buy the @Panthers. Spread the word. Retweet!” Spread the word to who? You think the Carolina Panthers ownership group are scanning twitter for potential buyers like it’s Craigslist?
2. In his Instagram video he called them the “North Carolina Panthers”. You trying to tell me that someone serious about buying an NFL franchise would get the goddamn name wrong?
3. Anybody that has to reiterate “No joke” at the end of what they are saying is probably in fact joking.
4. According to the video above, his first order of business would be to bring in Colin Kaepernick to compete for the starting QB job. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, gets the twitter flames a-burning like the mention of Colin Kaepernick. Who cares that the Panthers already have a franchise QB with exactly the same skillset? Not my man Swag because he ain’t buying that trash team anyways.
5. He is being currently being sued for sexual harassment by a woman who used to work for him. The reason the team is for sale is because the owner, Jerry Richardson, is currently being investigated for sexual harassment by woman who used to work for him.
6. His reasoning he would be such a good owner included that he would have “the best halftime performances.” You don’t have to buy NFL franchise to have concerts. The CEO of Bad Boy Records should know that.
So now that I have convinced you Brother Love isn’t interested in the Panthers, I will make my case for why he has his eye on bigger things. Right now he is just dipping that little toe in the water of politics. Let’s look at the facts:
1. Our current president is a former reality TV celebrity. P. Diddy is also a former reality TV celebrity. Anyone that grew up in the MTV era will remember Puffy’s show Making the Band. Who could forget the time Diddy made Dylan walk from Midtown Manhattan to Brooklyn just to purchase him some cheesecake. Fucking cheesecake.
2. He even kind of sounded Trumpian in that Instagram video. “I would be the best NFL owner that you could imagine….I would have the best halftime shows, the best selection of music, and we will win Super Bowl after Super Bowl.” Oh yah Diddy? Are we going to win so many Super Bowls that we are going to be sick of winning Super Bowls?
3. Sexual harassment allegations never stopped anyone from running for our nation’s highest office.
4. His plan is already working. I hadn’t heard the man’s name since he was still called Puffy and was wearing all white satin suits in the desert:
Today he was the top story on PTI, Around the Horn and CNN (taxes? Who cares?). If his goal was to get his name in the news, he has certainly accomplished that.
5. In a 2015 interview with Forbes Diddy said “You know, Donald Trump is not the only person who is a model mogul. That doesn’t need to be, like, the only picture of what an American mogul looks like.” In that same interview, when asked about what social movements he might be involved in next, he said “I’ll be making some announcements about my philanthropic focuses.”
You probably read the headline and thought this article was just clickbait didn’t you? And while you aren’t wrong, you are also probably thinking “damn Greg, you are making some pretty good points.” If I have learned anything from my first two weeks of blogging, it’s that you pull readers in with wild headlines and follow it up with outlandish and baseless predictions that you’ll never be held accountable to. If Puff Daddy is serious about buying the Panthers, this blog was just satire but think about if he did actually run for president in 2020. Day after the announcement I’d be walking into Brown Bros headquarters like:
P.S. If you thought I was going to bring up Making the Band without linking to the Dave Chappelle Show skit, you really don’t know me that well: